If Tears Could've Fallen From My Eyes
by Rini1137
Summary: What was Edward thinking as he said he no longer wanted Bella? What did he do when he was gone? Where did he go? This is Edward's pov during the time he left Bella during New Moon. R&R! Rated T to be safe because of killing,ect


**Ello, Bookie is back! I finally got over my writers block, so, this is my first Twilight fanfic. I don't know about you, but sometimes it just makes me mad that EVERYTHING, besides the epiloge for Eclipse, is from Bella's pov. I mean, don't cha ever wish that we could truely get into Edward's mind? I personally think she should add some Ed pov in there somewhere. So, hope ya likes it! R&R!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

It was so hard....that day. To leave her behind in the woods. I never truely figured out how i did it. She looked so...sad. Her eyes said she truely believed me. How could she do that? I must have told her I love her over a millon times a week, yet she believed me with one little 'no'. After I told her all those...lies, I turned and left her. It took everything in me to not just...turn around and say that I was sorry and that I loved her more than anything the world, more than my wants or needs. She meant more to me than anything I could ever want...and she knew that too. So why?

_'Bella! Forgive me!' I thought as I ran through the forest at top speed for a vampire. If tears could've fallen from my eyes, they'd be oceans. I was half way to my house when I just...collapsed. I sobbed without tears and fell on my hands and knees. I didn't know what to think...I was so close to turning around right now and finding her again. But, then, small, but strong, arms circled me and held me close, comferting me._

_"A-Alice! What have I done? I c-can't live without her in my life! Yet, I just told her I didn't want her!" I dry sobbed, agony in my eyes plain as daylight. "Shh. Edward, you did the right thing." She whispered. "Did I, Alice? Did I?" My voice broke many times in those two little sentances. "Yes. Edward, I know you want her, but just remember why you are doing this. You are doing this for her; so she can have a normal life." I sat up, now more calm than I had been since Bella's birthday. "Thank you, Alice."_

Alice helped keep me from going back, but she couldnt' have helped me stop thinking about her. I stayed with my family for only one week more. Even during that one week, I just couldn't be around them. When we got to our knew home, somewhere in the Michigan UP, I stayed in my room all the time. I couldn't face them. The first few days, they tried to get me to be with them, but soon, with a little promiting from Alice, they left me alone. After that week, I just had to do something productive. I was out driving and saw someone with red hair. I found a way to fuel my dark, reasonless life. Victoria. I had to find her. Make her pay.

I told Carlisle and Esme I was leaving and they took it pretty hard, especally Esme. But, they miraculasly understood. Alice said she knew when I was about to tell her and Jasper, which ment Jasper did too. Emmett nodded saddly and Rosalie thought I was just being stupid. Finally got tracking Victoria. I chased her to Texas, and then into Mexico and down to Brazil. I lost her scent there. By that time, I'd been away from her for four months, chasing Victoria across two contanents. I was far past trying _not _to think of her. I needed her. Her face was imprinted on the back of my eyelids. I was past trying to get through one month, past one week. Now, I was just trying to live through a day.

When I lost Victoria's scent in Brazil, I decided to stay there. Why not? It was so far away from Forks that I couldn't possibly cross her mind...I bought a house deep in a forest and never left it. Only to feed, if that. I started going for months at a time without food. I didn't have to repress any urges, as I never left that house and was around humans. It was March and I was at the very least a month past living through one day. Now, it was hour per hour. I was fighting a loosing battle. I knew it. It was only a matter of time before I ran full fledged back to Forks and saw her. I liked to think that I would only be there for a few moments, at most, while she was sleeping. But, I would end up with an exuse to stay all night. Then, it would be an exuse to talk to her. Then, it would be an exuse to stay in Forks, hopefully with her.

One day, in April or March(I'd lost count of days and months), I called to check in with my family. I missed them, but I couldn't go back to them and show them how I was. I hadn't eaten in at least three weeks, but I didn't care. If I could starve to death, I would've a long time ago. Rosalie answered. "Hello." He said in an almost dead voice. "EDWARD! Oh, good, I'm glad you called. I was wondering when we'd hear from you. I was actually wondering if Alice had called you yet?" "No. This is the first time I've heard from any of you since the last time I called." He replied in the same tone. "Well, I hate to be the one to brake it too you, but...Edward, Bella's dead. She killed herself yesterday."

The phone fell from my hand. No. She didn't! Why? Because of me? Because of what I did? NO, she _didin't _kill herself because of me?!?! I collapsed to the floor and started getting dizzy, if that was possible. She was gone. My Bella was dead. Killed herself. Because of me. I closed my onyx colored eyes and knew what I had to do. If she was dead, then I would follow. Italy. I would go to Italy and ask the Volturi to kill me.

I already had a plane ticket and everything before I thought of a way to make sure she was gone. I would call her house, and hope she didn't answer. I would talk to Charlie pretending to be Carlisle. I picked up the phone from it's place on the floor and started running to town. I was around humans, but didn't feel any urge to kill them. Nothing mattered anymore. I made the call in a small alley, and hoped someone would answer.

A voice I didn't know said "Swan residence." "Hi, yes, I'm Dr. Cullen, I need to talk to Charlie." I said, in a great imitation of Carlisle's voice. "He's not here." My eyes widened as I said "Where is he?" Unwillingly, I could tell, the voice said "He's at the funeral." My last hope, gone. He was at the funeral. There was nothing but pain. I hung up the phone. If I could cry, tears would be pouring. I threw away the phone in a trashcan and headed for the airport.

During the long plane ride, I thought about how to ask the Volturi. They probably wouldn't want to actually kill me outright, but I had to try. I changed what I said so many times, but finally, I decided on something. I stole a car and drove full speed to Volturra, the home of the Volturi and it's most favored people. If they didn't grant my wish, if they decided not to kill me, I would find away to make them by indangering their city and their existance.

When I got to Volturra and was able to see them, I said the things I planned very carefully to them. "Aro, Caius, Marcus...My name is Edward Cullen. The love of my life...the only reason I live or am alive...is dead. She killed herself, because I left her. I only left her to save her, but...I guess she never forgot me like I wished her to. I...I want to die, so I won't have to live with the pain of not having her. I know I won't get to see her again, and I love her so much, but, I can't live in a world where she is gone. Please, kill me so maybe I can be at peace." They looked at me and Aro touched my hand, to make sure this was what I truely wanted. They said they would think about it. They deliberated for a long time, and I hoped they would just end it. Make me lose all of my pain.

Aro walked forward when they entered the room again. "Edward, we understand your pain of losing her. We know you love her with all of your heart. But, we can't kill you. We don't want to be the ones who destroy such a talent, it's so wasteful. And, since you are here, we want to offer you a place with us. We could really use your talent." I grew angery. Why couldn't they just kill me to get it over with. I shook my head at their offer and said "If you won't kill me, then I will find a way to make you!" And stormed out. They let me leave, nothing standing in my way.

I walked quietly around town for a while wondering what do. Lift Van over head, no. Killing spree, no. Attacking the guard, no. Then, it hit me so hard I stopped walking. The Volturi didn't allow feeding within the walls. That would get them going better than anything else, right? I refused, at first, to think about what I was doing. I searched quietly for a little while to find a lone human. I came up behind her, about to grab her, when I thought of Carlisle and all he'd done to teach me and I just couldn't do it. I gave that idea up. So, I sat on the roof of one of the buildings, compleatly at a stump at what to do. I saw the sun and smiled. Today is the Fourteenth. St. Marcus Day. There would be a festival and a big crowd. I planned it. It was simple. I would wait under the clocktower until it was chiming 12:00 and step into the sun. There would be alot of people there, there was no way they would just let me walk around in the sun with all those people!

I waited all day in that little alley, waiting for noon. I saw a lot of people arriving, none paying me any mind. I listened to a few of their thoughts, but it didn't really matter. I just waited. Then, I realized it was two minutes to twelve. I took off my white shirt and let it fall to the ground. One minute. I closed my eyes. The clock tower started chiming. _I'll be where you are soon, Bella, even if I have to go to hell to be like you, I will. If your dead, I can't live. Maybe, you're in heaven right now, looking down on me. I don't care. I just can't live with out you! _I thought as I slowly stepped forward with my eyes closed, a small smile appering on my face. _Hopefully, I'll see you soon, Bella. I love you! I love you so much! _I took a deep breath and prepared to step in the sun, when something, some_one _slammed into me. I held that person up and slowly opened my eyes.

There she was. I was already dead? Wow, they were good. I looked at her, surprised. "Amazing." I said, with a wondering voice. "Carlisle was right." She started to say something, but I couldn't really hear her, or I just didn't want to. I touched her face to make sure she was real. Bella was trying to push me for some reason. She kept trying, but I wasn't budging. Then, I said "I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing-they're very good. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips onto her sweet smelling hair. "_Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty."_ I said, qouting Romeo. "You smell just exactly the same as always. So maybe this _is _hell. I don't care. I'll take it"

She said something about us not being dead and started pushing me again. "What was that?" I asked her nicely. "We're not dead, not yet. But we have to get out of here before the Volturi-" I pushed her behind me as I remembered why I was here. Ok, so we weren't dead, but I heard a few vampires coming up behind us....

**Well, that's all I had to put. I'll go farther and do another chapter if ya'll like it. R&R please. See ya's next time. **


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